Sexy Mustard

Posted: October 1, 2013 in Uncategorized

Our culture is obsessed with beauty and sexuality. So much so that we vilify and berate those who do not fit into our personal idea of those concepts. We make fun of people who are overweight or just don’t consider saltines a meal. Girls who, by the very act of being female, look pretty in the clothes they are wearing are called sluts. Our sense of balance is so far skewed that it’s difficult not to catch ourselves thinking in these terms even when we are aware that doing so is stupid and often mean.


There is such a thing as balance, good taste and, well, just plain self respect. Or is there? Halloween is one of my favorite times of year. The suffocating heat of summer calms to the cool breezes of Autumn. The green of the trees become the vibrant… okay, it’s mostly about the candy. At some point in our culture it also became about looking sexy. There’s nothing wrong with looking pretty. Stupid, yes. Pretty, no.










We all love vegetables. Not one of us can deny secretly having crushes on our broccoli, cauliflower and even our lima beans (sexy, sexy lima beans). But for someone to think that anyone has ever fantasized about corn with breasts is one disturbed individual.










You know what I do when I’m alone? When I’m feeling extra lonely? Watch Sesame Street. I’ve often thought that two of the hottest cast members of that show were, without a doubt, Bert & Ernie. Don’t get me wrong, that show is chock full of characters who ooze sexuality. But if you’re going to make a costume that demeans women based on a preschool children’s show, well, you just don’t have a better choice than these two.









M.C. Hammer pants, a bag of cotton balls, Santa hat and a six-pack. You know what that makes? Me puke. It makes me puke. I see enough guys without their shirts on flexing on Facebook.









Nothing gets me going quite like my house. Any house, really. So, if a pretty girl were to be the subject of some strange science experiment, grow ten times her normal size and the only thing she could wear was a house? Well, that’s the stuff of fantasy, ladies and gentlemen.








Okay, that’s not a stupid, sexy Halloween costume. But can I just say: This may all be your fault 1980’s.

Not only is this mustard (Do I really have to explain why that’s stupid?) but it’s officially licensed by the Heinz corporation. So it wasn’t just some pervert who hides the mustard out of shame when his mom comes over that thought this was a good idea. It was the people who make your bologna decorator (And for those weirdos who think ketchup on hot dogs is acceptable, there’s one of those too.)


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