Growing Up Sucks

Posted: October 19, 2013 in Uncategorized

Sometimes good things end up bad. Sometimes the amalgamation of all of our private plans for virtue come out corrupted. All the hopes of youth are dashed on the shores of our twenties and our friends who will never leave us and will always be by our side are wooed away by love or something like love. Years pass and the deal we thought we had with time was a cruel lie. We traded ten years for the dreams we thought we should have, and we’re at the end of another failed relationship that serves as another axiom to prove the proposition that life is pain. The bar is dark and we’re just drunk enough to think it’s poetic, because life is dark.

Life+sucks

We wrote our reports or pounded out the numbers that meant something to someone at some time, and we might as well have been scrawling our initials on bathroom walls for all the eternity it bought us. We’re the ones the new generation laugh at now. The kids we were, with all their amassed wisdom and knowledge. This brazen cohort with the tight skin and simplistic problems that used to belong to us. We want them back, but we know we can’t have them. But we don’t lash out, we don’t attack at all, we just smirk to ourselves and whisper, “you kids just wait. You just live until you wake up and find out you’re as full of shit as I was.” We smile and it hurts. It hurts but we smile, hating the fools we once were.

It’s said that sometimes we’re in the gutter and we refuse to look at the stars. We refuse because light has no business shining on our darkness. When we needed it and begged for it, there was only darkness, and now it shines like it’s been there all along. We close our ears to laughter because there’s so little to laugh about. Our food is bland and greasy filler for our every-expanding heart valves because enjoyment is too much to hope for.

We live in our darkest moments and everything is colored–all of our decisions, all of our steps–by their murky light. Those horrible moments leech out into our loves and all our work, until they stink in the same, dank way. That way we can keep up the belief that all of life is like our prior disappointments, and that any happiness we had was only something meant for a younger us.

It’s hard, when you see life that way, to break your stare to see anything else. Maybe because we’re so used to seeing in a certain way or because we don’t believe there’s anything else to see. But the stars are always there to see. Those tiny specks of freedom in our imprisonments, those bits of hope in the despair we insist has surrounded us. But you’ve got to search for it. You’ve got to open your eyes when you just want to stop seeing anything, anymore for any reason.

It’s not because you’re wrong about the negative. The negative exists, and it will swallow you if you let it. But because the negative is there, because it is so stinking ubiquitous; because it sticks with us easier than the good, we must hang on to the good that much more tightly. We must cherish each good thing, even in one another. We must dig through the selfishness and the anger and the hatred to find that speck of worth and take it as a sign that there can be good. In a dark world, any light is precious.

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