Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Growing Up Sucks

Posted: October 19, 2013 in Uncategorized

Sometimes good things end up bad. Sometimes the amalgamation of all of our private plans for virtue come out corrupted. All the hopes of youth are dashed on the shores of our twenties and our friends who will never leave us and will always be by our side are wooed away by love or something like love. Years pass and the deal we thought we had with time was a cruel lie. We traded ten years for the dreams we thought we should have, and we’re at the end of another failed relationship that serves as another axiom to prove the proposition that life is pain. The bar is dark and we’re just drunk enough to think it’s poetic, because life is dark.


We wrote our reports or pounded out the numbers that meant something to someone at some time, and we might as well have been scrawling our initials on bathroom walls for all the eternity it bought us. We’re the ones the new generation laugh at now. The kids we were, with all their amassed wisdom and knowledge. This brazen cohort with the tight skin and simplistic problems that used to belong to us. We want them back, but we know we can’t have them. But we don’t lash out, we don’t attack at all, we just smirk to ourselves and whisper, “you kids just wait. You just live until you wake up and find out you’re as full of shit as I was.” We smile and it hurts. It hurts but we smile, hating the fools we once were.

It’s said that sometimes we’re in the gutter and we refuse to look at the stars. We refuse because light has no business shining on our darkness. When we needed it and begged for it, there was only darkness, and now it shines like it’s been there all along. We close our ears to laughter because there’s so little to laugh about. Our food is bland and greasy filler for our every-expanding heart valves because enjoyment is too much to hope for.

We live in our darkest moments and everything is colored–all of our decisions, all of our steps–by their murky light. Those horrible moments leech out into our loves and all our work, until they stink in the same, dank way. That way we can keep up the belief that all of life is like our prior disappointments, and that any happiness we had was only something meant for a younger us.

It’s hard, when you see life that way, to break your stare to see anything else. Maybe because we’re so used to seeing in a certain way or because we don’t believe there’s anything else to see. But the stars are always there to see. Those tiny specks of freedom in our imprisonments, those bits of hope in the despair we insist has surrounded us. But you’ve got to search for it. You’ve got to open your eyes when you just want to stop seeing anything, anymore for any reason.

It’s not because you’re wrong about the negative. The negative exists, and it will swallow you if you let it. But because the negative is there, because it is so stinking ubiquitous; because it sticks with us easier than the good, we must hang on to the good that much more tightly. We must cherish each good thing, even in one another. We must dig through the selfishness and the anger and the hatred to find that speck of worth and take it as a sign that there can be good. In a dark world, any light is precious.

‘your’ right

Posted: October 12, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

'your' right

Shoot those zombies like they're your painful, painful emotions, Rick Grimes!

Shoot those zombies like they’re your painful, painful emotions, Rick Grimes!

It’s a Powerful Thing

Posted: October 3, 2013 in Uncategorized
The data seems to suggest that no matter your education level on a given issue, you generally do not make rational decisions based on the facts of that issue. Instead, we tend to ‘feel’ our way into a choice, generally based on our already established beliefs and that of our social connections (friends, family, etc). So, chances are, you and I couldn’t even win a genuine, facts-based argument about most of the things we think we support so deeply (Sarcasm isn’t winning). In short, we make a quick choices based on an irrational, gut-feeling and then ‘back them up’ by picking and choosing arguments that fit those preconceived notions along the way. You want to blame someone for the cruddy shape of things? For the lack of quality and concern for ourselves and others we see every single day? It’s my fault, and yours. Think for yourself. It’s a powerful thing.

Sexy Mustard

Posted: October 1, 2013 in Uncategorized

Our culture is obsessed with beauty and sexuality. So much so that we vilify and berate those who do not fit into our personal idea of those concepts. We make fun of people who are overweight or just don’t consider saltines a meal. Girls who, by the very act of being female, look pretty in the clothes they are wearing are called sluts. Our sense of balance is so far skewed that it’s difficult not to catch ourselves thinking in these terms even when we are aware that doing so is stupid and often mean.


There is such a thing as balance, good taste and, well, just plain self respect. Or is there? Halloween is one of my favorite times of year. The suffocating heat of summer calms to the cool breezes of Autumn. The green of the trees become the vibrant… okay, it’s mostly about the candy. At some point in our culture it also became about looking sexy. There’s nothing wrong with looking pretty. Stupid, yes. Pretty, no.










We all love vegetables. Not one of us can deny secretly having crushes on our broccoli, cauliflower and even our lima beans (sexy, sexy lima beans). But for someone to think that anyone has ever fantasized about corn with breasts is one disturbed individual.










You know what I do when I’m alone? When I’m feeling extra lonely? Watch Sesame Street. I’ve often thought that two of the hottest cast members of that show were, without a doubt, Bert & Ernie. Don’t get me wrong, that show is chock full of characters who ooze sexuality. But if you’re going to make a costume that demeans women based on a preschool children’s show, well, you just don’t have a better choice than these two.









M.C. Hammer pants, a bag of cotton balls, Santa hat and a six-pack. You know what that makes? Me puke. It makes me puke. I see enough guys without their shirts on flexing on Facebook.









Nothing gets me going quite like my house. Any house, really. So, if a pretty girl were to be the subject of some strange science experiment, grow ten times her normal size and the only thing she could wear was a house? Well, that’s the stuff of fantasy, ladies and gentlemen.








Okay, that’s not a stupid, sexy Halloween costume. But can I just say: This may all be your fault 1980’s.

Not only is this mustard (Do I really have to explain why that’s stupid?) but it’s officially licensed by the Heinz corporation. So it wasn’t just some pervert who hides the mustard out of shame when his mom comes over that thought this was a good idea. It was the people who make your bologna decorator (And for those weirdos who think ketchup on hot dogs is acceptable, there’s one of those too.)

Super Fan

Posted: September 10, 2013 in Uncategorized

I was on Pinterest the other day (for, um… medical reasons). Between all the recipes involving quinoa and, well, this, I saw a pin that made me think. A fan had posted a picture of the movie versions of characters from what I assume is their favorite book series (So far, so good). Below these random stills from the movie, the pinner had written, if you don’t know these people right away, you’re not a part of this fandom.

For a moment, I felt a twinge of guilt. Because I am a fan of that series and I did not recognize the pictures right away. Admittedly, it isn’t the fandom that I’m into the most, but I appreciate it and those involved in its creation. So, after shrugging off that bit of silly guilt, I began to ask myself why we do that. What is it that creates in us the desire to down those who might only be peripherally involved in the things that we adore.

I remember a day when, for instance, comic books weren’t a widely accepted phenomena. I’ve liked comics since I was a kid. My brother collected them and I used to drool over those four-color beauties. So, when I was old enough, I began to collect as well. Whenever I would meet anyone who was even slightly interested in the X-Men or knew who Sandman was, I would get giddy. Even if they didn’t know unimportant character bio information or couldn’t name all of my favorite character’s aliases. I just enjoyed the fact that there was someone who, in some way, enjoyed what I enjoyed. We were suddenly family.

Our kind have whined for years that other people just don’t know what good is. So, now that others have recognized that there is worth in these things we love, we have become jealous to share them. We are not happy to spend our time reveling in the fact that its now so easy to find like minds. We’re not pleased with the idea that there are oodles of websites and gobs of podcasts to sate our geeky thirsts like never before. Instead of opening our arms wide and smiling our orthodontically corrected smiles, embracing even the smallest contributor to our fandom’s success, we find reasons to dislike them.

Because, the facts are these: The more people that like something, the longer it will continue to be made. The more of that something there is, the more we can own. Last, but certainly not least, the bigger the fandom, the more our favorite creators will make to support their families. (We want them to live long, happy and productive lives.) So, I say, stop trying to prove your the best type of fan and rejoice in the fact that your fandom’s so big that fans now come in all, equally acceptable sizes. In short, stop categorizing fans into demeaning levels and be a better fandom, be a family.


Because I matter too!

Then this happened.

Posted: August 16, 2013 in Uncategorized


I was just saying how I felt thankful to this generation for introducing the word meme into popular usage. I then said that, much like tinsel sprouting from a kittens butt, what was once beautiful is now essentially crap. But then–then!–I ran across, which took the most popular (read: overused) of said memes and painted pictures of them. That makes me happy. If the ermahgerd girl can make me smile again, maybe anything is possible. Someone might even be able to make someecards funny again. Dare to dream.

“ermahgerd, someecards ARE hilarious, douchenozzle!”

I’m working on a series of posts about this Online Dating Phenomenon. It’s kind of an upgraded version of the ads people used to put in newspapers (well, still do.) and the less sluttier sister of Craigslist. To whet your palate, here’s my profile. Enjoy and share, my cyber-friends!

About me:

-I always secretly want the soup, but the endlessness of the salad always gets me at Olive Garden.
-I hate black licorice with the passionate heat of a thousand suns.
-Monty Python and Mitch Hedberg make me laugh.
-Rice is overrated.
-Fox News makes me sad.
-Chicago is awesome but so very, very cold.
-I like to run—in theory.
-Sarcasm is lovely.
-Meat. I know, lots of you are vegetarians, and I respect that (I read part of Eating Animals, too), but, you know… steak.
-Do not own a picture of me without my shirt on—out of pure principle
-Am not training for MMA
-Do not want to four-wheeler ride or hunt large animals with you
-Whoa, went negative there for a minute
-But that’s okay, I mean, I can have an opinion about MMA and elk hunting, can’t I?
-And, seriously, put on a shirt…
-I make amazing chicken picatta
-Fall is the best season
-I’m convinced sociopaths bring raisin cookies to events to see that disgusted look on the faces of those who thought they were chocolate chip
-Black spider-man is my hero
-Hey, world. Twilight? Really?
-Travel is a good thing
-Inappropriate humor
-I’m kind of impressed you’re still reading.
-Reading and writing things down (fictional things. …not… that this list is fictional.)
-You’re gone, aren’t you?
-It’s probably for the best.
-It was the twilight comment, wasn’t it?

So, wow, if you hung around through that, you deserve a nice meal and maybe a door or two opened up for you. If you laughed, I’ll probably make you laugh. (I’m not bad at that.) If you think it was weird and don’t like chicken picatta, it probably wasn’t meant for you. (No offense. And I secretly don’t care if you don’t like chicken picatta.) We’re all looking for someone, not sometwo or three (well… some of us are) and if you think we might get along, by all means, do that idiotic wink thing or just email me and say hi (it’s 2013, after all.)

The Merry Monk

This is a project I started working on with a friend of mine. It’s called the Merry Monk. Hope you enjoy. (You can visit the Merry Monk’s website at